The Only-Otherness

and/or the fear of speaking from the heart

Art by AOKI Tetsuo 2007, Standing People

The ‘only other’

It’s possible to not see the ‘only other’ in saying we are all sometimes the ‘only other’

Saying we all share this experience

implies a commonality that jumps over 

the hurt, the fear, the anger of being the ‘only other’ 

…when they really are the only other.

Penny

There is always a reason for feeling like being the ‘only other’. We are all different in our perceptions and self-perception. From feeling too old or too young, being male or female, living with a disability, being from a different culture, speaking with an accent. We are all different and often feel like the odd one, the other!

It takes so much courage to speak our heart’s truth and put up with the ridiculing or shaming that might follow. Sometimes it takes planning and timing the right moment to speak the heart's truth.

Can there be strength in silence?  Sometimes not speaking the heart's truth can be as dangerous as speaking it. Something inside of me screams FYA! (no rude language here) I stare you in the eye and speak my heart's truth - this is it! Now do what you like with it!

Judith

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… as the only other - feeling misunderstood, put on the spot to have to explain myself. Afraid. I want to dig a hole. Angry but I can’t show that I’m angry because the situation could get worse for me if I do. “I’m sick of having to explain myself!!!” Stop asking me questions and just give me space. If you listen deeply and feel me, you may get what I’m saying, what I’m feeling.

Penny

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I see you. You are shy to speak. I ask you to share. I wonder what you have to say. Go on, please, speak. No. AM I not trustworthy? Give me a chance … I know I am standing strongly here, ‘in the centre’, having all I need to speak freely. Let me try to ask better. from here.

no. You still don’t speak. That is powerful too.

Just know, from here, I will not understand what is happening within/around you …. Or wait, maybe I can understand, I can access a similar experience …  I often felt an outsider. But is this related to your experience?

The story that I am giving space now is made out of my `narrative material‘ …. nothing of yours weaved in … as long as you don’t speak

Stephie

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"I feel this fear of speaking my heart's truth."

Young and elder words, emanating from somewhere within her.

A wobbling worry of crazy, nuts.  Isolating.

Status quo vs different.

"Your fear makes me feel powerful".

I recall the power of speaking with a wobble in my voice,

but today I remain silent.  Tired.

My voice has spoken for those seeking asylum today, 

I felt their pain and fear, and strength, and awe.

He speaks about anger and being able to disconnect.  Such skills.  Yet I perceive him to be so connected to feeling and flowing.  Fiery.

I stay in the safety of silence tonight.

We all have an ability to eat each other for breakfast, with judgment and with unknown powers.  Or eat breakfast together.

Shirlz

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I want to feel the silence.

I’m taking a moment of silence and listening to my heart. 

Disconnectedness. 

Avoiding the “others”.

It has been haunting me for the past few weeks.

Confusion. 

A state like a wall growing between people who have common dreams, common values, common language and common pain.

I feel anger, discouragement, ridiculousness and something bigger that wants to destroy.

Who am I at this moment?

I sink into the lullabying silence. I surrender. I let it be.

In my dreaming path, I see myself in my native place at the iron ore mines, flying alongside the rusty red, deep purple rocks that are billions of years old.

The silent wisdom of the hematite patterns, their change of state transmit me inner power, integrity, fluidity and sense of usefulness.

And when I’m thinking back of the wall and struggling to express myself, the lack of trust and support and being ridiculed and having this weakened voice, I allow myself to melt and incorporate this new potential, a beauty of something new.

Marina 

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Gobsmacked

I have spent a lot of my life rejecting much of the social ideal of masculinity and now find I share this aspect of it. Although I’m not quite the strong silent type, men in my culture are renowned for not talking or opening up beyond surface level conversation.

During the above, at one stage I thought of myself as ‘gobsmacked’ which is an interesting word. For those perhaps not familiar with it, one meaning of ‘gob’ in the Anglo language or slang is ‘mouth’!]

Three reasons I can immediately give for my ‘non-vocal’ behaviour are that I don’t want to be seen as a whinger or a victim, I find it difficult to articulate certain issues (ie possibly lack the language or concepts) and finally, that I want some kind of perfect listener or response. (Numerous roles here!!??)

A further future area of exploration for me is to explore when I, a white, het, male, etc., becomes the/an ‘other’ ???? And here comes another difficult role:

A patroniser. When Penny made the comment that facing me were women who could “eat me up for breakfast”, it brought home to me that in trying to be a ‘good’ man I can become or slip into being patronising. This was another huge wake up call for me. Many (heterosexual) men like to think of themselves as being the ‘protector’ of their ‘little’ woman, and to my mind this is a way of not coming to grips with their own ‘littleness’ – vulnerability, shame, hurts, ‘weaknesses’, etc. I have previously been critical of this but see how I have not allowed myself to pick up both roles.

Dave

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The man, who is tangled up in his social rank, drops down like a house of cards falling, falling into a tender and fragile sharing about his inability to articulate, of being disconnected from his feelings. Us women, those of us I imagined as a pride of hungry lionesses that could eat this man for breakfast, retracted our claws from his skin and sat back, listening, touched by his courage to share his vulnerability. 

Penny

WE WILL / CAN / COULD EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST

We are many

You might not realize - as you meet us only one by one - on your terms!

But we are

we are many

If you would ever dare to come by

We would eat you for breakfast

just a little bowle of cereals with some milk an honey

not a big meal

just an appetizer maybe.

Beware to never be the “only other” amongst us.

You will be eaten alive

with nothing left

to dismiss us!

Sister Bobby Joe

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Some times the “other” becomes the focus of my desire to feel better than, or a tool to exact retribution for childhood abuses and hurts, especially from siblings.

What might they see? (if I speak out)

Isolating makes so much sense as there is so much proof that it is the best way, safest way, to not feel disturbed or distressed.  Isolating, disconnecting has its own power.

Speaking up to a disconnected audience, who are not like this group i.e. wanting to understand and connect, feels more like a choice between life and death.

So, how do I stay connected to my heart in order to support my voice (when support is not forthcoming from a group?)   How do I support myself in front of a disconnected group?  What will I need?

Eileen

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I wanted to combine the two topics being the other and speaking up and fear of speaking your truth because of a reaction as — being the other and speaking your truth because of a reaction. I realized that “the other” became not a specific other because of surface diversity but the “otherness in every one”.

That had a small impact on me. Yes we are all the “other” when our points of view are different from the normal but what happens if I am white and I want to speak my heart to a black person  - or I am a male and wants to speak in an all female group or a female in an all males group or an old aged person in an all young group? This intersectionality was what bothered me.

Suneetha

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The ally of someone in the role as the “other”. Being not the “other” – being part of the dominant culture

When to know when to speak up?  I remember when I was with my Aboriginal father-in-law, and I wanted to speak up for him when we weren’t welcomed in a café because of his colour. He was horrified at the thought of me making a fuss and just wanted to quietly leave which we did. Was I being an inappropriate social activist or a caring daughter in law or an idiot for not thinking about how my father-in-law might feel by trying to change the situation?

I also remember when I was camping on Cape York with many Aboriginal people who were researching their land claim.  Some of the young men were cleaning a kangaroo they had killed in the river right near where we were camping.  There were crocodiles in the river, and I was scared that the blood would attract them into our camp.  I was the “other” in this context and I wanted to speak up. But I was also the “oppressor” and part of the problem they were trying to fix in having their land taken away.  I asked my husband if I should go down to the river and tell them not to clean the animal there.  He replied that a white girl had no place telling young Aboriginal men what to do on their country.  I was horrified when a crocodile did end up coming into the camp.

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How to connect?

How does me speaking up and being an ally to those who want recognition affect them?  It must be tough and painful being in their position and the topic of debate.

 I also have the thoughts that If I speak up too much I will be seen as a nuisance, “here she goes again”, or be attacked, or have another opinion rammed down my throat.  If I can’t articulate my thoughts and feelings well enough the other side will shut me down as they speak with such authority.  Then I go numb and cannot speak.

 I am confused.

 I need to be willing to learn, to be open to change, to listen to people fears and connect deeply with them and to speak up.

 But when I am in the role of the “other” why should I have to connect with them? 

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Some times the “other” becomes the focus of my desire to feel better than, or a tool to exact retribution for childhood abuses and hurts, especially from siblings.

What might they see? (if I speak out)

Isolating makes so much sense as there is so much proof that it is the best way, safest way, to not feel disturbed or distressed.  Isolating, disconnecting has its own power.

Speaking up to a disconnected audience, who are not like this group i.e. wanting to understand and connect, feels more like a choice between life and death.

So, how do I stay connected to my heart in order to support my voice (when support is not forthcoming from a group?)   How do I support myself in front of a disconnected group?  What will I need?

Eileen

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Mystic & Status quo in dialogue

Mystic: I´m scared to speak my heart’s truths when you are around

Status quo: Why?

Mystic: I have this unexplainable fear of you killing me, burning me, because of that

Status quo: Well yes, you are right, I have the power to do that

Mystic: Exactly

Status quo: This has happened before. 

Mystic: Let´s rewrite the story. 

Silence

Mystic: But why would you kill me for speaking my heart´s truth?

Status quo: Because then you are more powerful than me

Status quo continues: When you share your heart´s truth you reveal something in me that I don´t even dare to look at. It´s easier to shut you down than go there, to that deeply vulnerable place 

Mystic: But then you are suffocating yourself? What is there to live for?

Status quo: I guess I´m afraid to live.

Iina

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About 🌏 Worldwork

Worldwork also known as Processwork, is a psychological and conflict-resolution approach developed by Arnold Mindell in the 1970s. It's based on the principles of Jungian psychology, Taoism, and systems theory, and it is used in various settings, including therapy, organizational development, community building, and conflict resolution.

At its core, Worldwork aims to explore and understand both individual and collective processes in order to address conflicts, promote personal growth, and create more harmonious relationships within groups and communities. It focuses on bringing awareness to marginalized or ignored perspectives, as well as the deeper layers of consciousness within individuals and groups.

Worldwork Journalism is a co-creative experiment that combines online Worldwork (facilitated dialogue) sessions with individual and collective writing. A group of max 15 participants is co-creating over three months (with one 2-hour session per month). This is the resulting artifact after the second session with the chosen topic The Only-Otherness and/or the fear of speaking from the heart. If you read this and enjoy it, please remember this is a tender plant, every like and subscription helps us to grow.

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The initiators and editors of this space

Penny Watson (MACF) works as a coach, group facilitator and community development worker. She loves working with people in nature using process-orientated earth-based practices. She lives in Mparntwe, Alice Springs, and is deeply inspired by the people and lands of the Central Australian Desert.

Stephanie Bachmair (B.ONFIRE/DDI Beta Team) is a communication passionate, facilitator, leadership coach, and process work diplomat. She supports individuals, teams, and organizations to explore and craft their stories, tell them with charisma, relate to their audience, and increase their transformative power through dialogue. 

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